tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15097409536912108.post111371375093143912..comments2023-06-18T04:08:27.625-05:00Comments on Journey to Motherhood and Beyond: So much to consider..always the same outcomeMcMaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11873520091723141063noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15097409536912108.post-33554202501128316052008-04-01T10:12:00.000-05:002008-04-01T10:12:00.000-05:00Mary you are so right and looking at everything in...Mary you are so right and looking at everything in the perfect perspective! People look at adoption as a second choice. It is so ridiculous to look at any child as a second choice. It doesn't matter how they get to your family, they are your children. You will love them no matter what. They wouldn't return their bio child, so why is it an option for peopl to return their adopted child. <BR/>Yes adoption is a leap of faith, and that is just it. Faith is what you need to have. You will be lead to your child. Good job for sticking in there and just know you will find your daughter. Yes there will always be someone ignorant that doen't know when to shut there mouth. Just smile and move on, they are the ones missing out!!Stacyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12956558745162285071noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15097409536912108.post-7626256367613503912008-04-01T05:29:00.000-05:002008-04-01T05:29:00.000-05:00As with anything in life we all face the many unkn...As with anything in life we all face the many unknowns.......adoption is no different and how we handle things - not everyone will agree or think we are doing the right thing but we do what we have to.<BR/>Many of what we hear is from people who really just don't know anything about the subject of adoption therefore they really have no clue on what they are talking about. I don't waste my time or energy trying to explain the process because what I want to do is not what they think I should do - just like anything in life. <BR/>Adoption - espically international is not for the faint of heart by any means -we will do what we have to which is how we all got here.<BR/><BR/>Darlenednd82001https://www.blogger.com/profile/10678469243810468405noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15097409536912108.post-12344950551262664152008-03-30T19:16:00.000-05:002008-03-30T19:16:00.000-05:00You are right, in a perfect world no child would s...You are right, in a perfect world no child would starve for food, love and a family. The whole "give them back" issue is absurd. You said it perfectly, people need to be prepared for whatever happens. It baffles my mind some PAP's that seem to have their expectations set so high when traveling. Do they really think their child is going to be on target with an American child that has never been in a orphanage? This only leads to heartbreak.<BR/><BR/>I posted on my blog last night a McDonald's commercial....you should check it out.Kimhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09084229526990584580noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15097409536912108.post-85358985853515058782008-03-30T15:45:00.000-05:002008-03-30T15:45:00.000-05:00As you said, all of these things do have gray area...As you said, all of these things do have gray areas. The answer is seldom black and white, and there are always scary questions to ask yourself when embarking on this path to parenthood.<BR/><BR/>I personally can't imagine that children who are not being raised in a loving family just so they can grow up in their native countries is a good decision. The most important thing is getting an opportunity to reach their full potential and be happy, healthy human beings who contribute positive things to the world. I'm sure there is a mountain of research that can prove the better outcome more often lies in being adopted.<BR/><BR/>In regards to "giving children back" I agree that we must make every effort to make the relationship work, realizing that the fairy tale is not always the reality. Of course! But, we need to also remember that there are many bio children that have to go live "on a ranch" because they are so destructive, dangerous and out of control. It's not always a matter of where the child came from.Reginahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06287586757039620927noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15097409536912108.post-74401144042720966032008-03-30T00:52:00.000-05:002008-03-30T00:52:00.000-05:00Ah...I have several comments on these thoughts.Fir...Ah...I have several comments on these thoughts.<BR/><BR/>First, I agree with a lot of people not understanding that my child needs to have her culture a part of my everyday life. I don't know how many times someone has said to me, "You know she'll be American too, right?" I try to explain that she will be immersed in the American culture and she will automatically be fluent in our culture but it doesn't really convince them. But at least over time they have just accepted it and even support my decisions, even if they don't completely understand them. I keep thinking (hoping?) that someday that will understand. But if they don't, they don't. <BR/><BR/>Second, unfortunately, there are a lot of parents of biological children who want to give their children away. I am a delinquency social worker and parents get very frustrated with their kids behavior problems. Now, in my work, the kids usually have behavioral problems because of their parents' lack of parenting skills. But about every other week I get a call from a parent telling me they want their kid placed because they are sick of dealing with them. Sometimes placement is necessary. If a kid is a danger to other people (especially the family) or if they have treatment needs that simply can't be met with the frequency and intensity they need in the community, then placement is the only option.<BR/><BR/>Aside from those reasons, I think the biggest problem is that there is this myth of the stereotypical child/family. When reality doesn't meet our dreams, it can be a hard pill to swallow. How many of us dream about our children purposely breaking our favorite valuables? Or how often do we pine for those days of our children hitting us or hurting our pets? When I sit in the nursery, those aren't the visions I have.<BR/><BR/>I am not justifying placing your children unless under the criteria I specified above. I think this is what we sign up for when sign those adoption papers. We should have some wording such as "for better or worse". We pledge to care for our children even when our own dreams are shattered. But unless you have seen children who are totally out of control or seemingly heartless, it's hard to put ourselves in the position, especially on this end of the adoption process. <BR/><BR/>Anyways, that is MHO.Tammyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06021169041622431205noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15097409536912108.post-798956173630928762008-03-29T17:20:00.000-05:002008-03-29T17:20:00.000-05:00Thanks everyone for the great comments--you said s...Thanks everyone for the great comments--you said so many things that I agree with.<BR/>Alysa said there are far more successful adoptions that aren't written about and this is so true.<BR/>Suzanne said--we are not those people which is also so true.<BR/>Angela said we must be prepared for anything and that life together after the adoptions is most important and I couldn't agree more. Kelly said so many things I agree with but most of all that we should help our kids celebrate their heritage and keep alive in them a love for their home country. That is so important. You guys are the reason I blog--it's great to have friends who understand.McMaryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11873520091723141063noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15097409536912108.post-88995985894202309692008-03-29T10:56:00.000-05:002008-03-29T10:56:00.000-05:00I love this post with all of the stories and you d...I love this post with all of the stories and you did a wonderful job of presenting the opposite views. I completely agree with your view that adoptive children should be thought of just as biological children. Who would consider "giving their child back" when things got rough? The attitude seems to emphasize the already too prominent viewpoint that it is liking picking a puppy from the pound (even then I don't advocate giving the dog back because there are behavioral issues - all it usually takes is some work and dedication). One of my husband's relatives said to us (and his parents!) "you know that 90% of Kaz kids have FAS". I was appalled! First that is wasn't even true and she had everybody in a tizzy. Second, because she thought we should not go because of the risks. You know there is 'risk' in every birth and every adoption and all you can do is minimize them then play the hand that you are dealt. I have 2 very close friends who have severely autistic children. Did they plan for this? No. Do they plan on "giving the kids back?" Hell no.<BR/><BR/>Finally, while I do agree with the fellow who wanted to stay in his home country that the country should attempt to adopt the children to family or locally whenever possible (and Kaz does this - and I celebrate every referral that is "lost" to a local family or the birth family) - you share my point that it isn't the end game. Though I do think that cultural awareness and sensitivity should be a pre-requisite for all prospective parents. I am deeply offended by those with the attitude that Kaz is a hell hole and that they have to get the kid out of the country and back to the good ole US of A, change their name, and essentially erase all of their cultural heritage (especially when they can't pronounce it anyway). In fact, my mother was at first angry that we'd put up a Kaz flag in our child's room rather than an American flag until I set her straight. I think that all families adopting from other cultures have an obligation to nurture and celebrate the multi-cultural aspects of their family. And if you haven't got a clue how to do so - take an interest and learn!<BR/><BR/>Wow - thanks for letting me air out my views on this too. They are great topics and you seem to have a very healthy attitude toward it all.Kelly and Snehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12694012810022647105noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15097409536912108.post-90402815880039980912008-03-29T09:22:00.000-05:002008-03-29T09:22:00.000-05:00There are so many issues with adoption, aren't the...There are so many issues with adoption, aren't there? I think about all of these things. As you wrote, we must be aware and prepared for anything. I have also read about people sending their child back or just leaving the child in the airport in their home country. <BR/><BR/>Like with a biological child, there is all this focus on the adoption process, but it is life together afterward that is most significant. <BR/><BR/>We can do the best we can and be prepared to go to the ends of the earth physically, emotionally and mentally for our children.<BR/><BR/>In my humble opinion, it is good to question and examine things from time to time. It helps me know where I am going is where I need to go.Angelahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04318549839390644553noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15097409536912108.post-62592461450324584262008-03-29T00:17:00.000-05:002008-03-29T00:17:00.000-05:00Gah! Why do they only write stories about freaky, ...Gah! Why do they only write stories about freaky, weird adoptions-gone-wrong????? <BR/><BR/>We are not those people! This I know.<BR/><BR/>-SuzanneSuzannehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05964017825117329451noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15097409536912108.post-45683876397001242582008-03-28T22:34:00.000-05:002008-03-28T22:34:00.000-05:00Good for you. Keep your head up and follow your h...Good for you. Keep your head up and follow your heart.Matthew Ruleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10622553970813285446noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15097409536912108.post-10063563653895193812008-03-28T20:39:00.000-05:002008-03-28T20:39:00.000-05:00I admire your conviction and know just how you fee...I admire your conviction and know just how you feel. I'm definitely more tuned into anything "adoption" since I've headed down this path. It is scary and sad to hear all these stories of problems adoptive parents and kids have. I constantly remind myself that it could happen, but far more that you never hear about work out just fine.<BR/><BR/>AlysaAlysahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12258692101281953176noreply@blogger.com