Sick Mommy and other random updates

I have learned just how hard it is to be a good mommy when you feel crappy yourself. I have now been home sick for 10 days, am on my second round of antibiotics and am just starting to turn the corner. Hopefully back to work tomorrow.
I have been very thankful for a good preschool so that Hannah can still have some stimulating learning and playing time while I get to rest. Her level of energy is hard when I feel sick.
We have developed a couple new habits that will have to change back when I am full speed again and working again.
--We have slept in--which means about 30 minutes later than usual--and have been able to get ready at a more relaxed pace with breakfast at home. Starting tomorrow we will have to get up earlier, get ready faster, and have breakfast at school again. I hope it goes well as we have both enjoyed these more leisure mornings.
--Movies, Nick Jr., and PBS--oh my. This will be a bad habit to break. I found out just how much Hannah relied on me for her entertainment and play. She is not very good at playing with her toys all by herself and since Mommy was worn out after about 20 minutes of any kind of play, I allowed a lot more TV time than we are used to. As hard as it will be to cut it back down, it got me through so I am grateful for that.
Hannah has been very sweet most of the time. She has cradled my face and said, "I am so sorry I can't make you better." and melted my heart. She has been very patient when I wasn't able to talk, she brings me Kleenix and anything else I need, and has shown great empathy. I asked her what she talked about at church school last night and she said "I prayed for my Mama because she has a bad throat and she has a cough". Aww--melt my heart.
She has also had a level of independence greater then usual as I lay on the couch for a few days and dozed on and off. Sunday afternoon when I took a nap, she found my good scissors and decided she didn't like her hair in her face so she cut herself some very short bangs. She actually did a pretty decent job and she still looks adorable but....we had just grown out her bangs and they were finally fitting in her pony tail. Oh well.

Other Hannah updates:
She completed her first cross country ski race--an event called the Barnebirkie that is held in Hayward, Wi. and had a great time. She skiied one kilometer while her cousins did the longer events--3K and 5K. There are a few hundred kids in the event and every kid that crosses the finish line gets a medal so of course, she felt like a winner and was very excited. It was a beautiful day and I had fun walking along with her on the course. The other benefit was staying in a hotel with her cousins and getting in lots of swimming time--so fun. We will go back next year.

I had the school district do all the special education testing to see if Hannah met the criteria for any extra help before or after starting kindergarten. She was awesome and her test scores amazed the evaluators. She is socializing well, and all her education scores were in the average range--well above the need for special help. Her vocabulary tested average and her mean length of utterance (MLU) was actually above the average for her age. To see how far she has come in the last year has been amazing. She still has some trouble staying focused and for some reason naming her colors is alluding her but everything else was great. I am so proud of my little honey.
Making a kindergarten plan was so stressful for me but I have registered her to attend the private kindergarten at her current preschool--Primrose. They have all day kindergarten and limit the class to 15 students which I think will be great.
Now that I know her test scores and have made a plan--with input from her teachers and the school district--I am feeling very good about where she will be next year.

Hannah has a "best" friend at school. From day one, she and this little girl have been stuck together like magnets. What I find interesting is that this little girl was adopted from the Ukraine when she was 2 years old. It is like they are kindred souls. She is an adorable girl and very sweet. In reality, she and Hannah act more like sisters--they always want to be together and yet they fight with each other and get in more trouble when they are together. It is actually getting to be hard for their teacher. Hannah has been having trouble in school with listening and sometimes she has been refusing to do her work during the learning centers. Then all of a sudden she had a great week where she had no problems at all. It lasted one week and then I learned that her best friend was gone that week when she did so well. I am not quite sure how to handle this except to keep working with Hannah on listening and doing her work. Any advice is appreciated.
For now I have been promising Hannah she can have gum after school if she listens good and does her work. So far, it is working. We will see how long it lasts. It is the first time I have actually used bribery as my parenting tool--not sure if I like the concept or not.

Children's Home Society and Family Services (our agency) had a big adoption party last month and we had a great time. We got to meet up with the other family I traveled with on my first trip so it was great to see them again. They adopted a little boy from Hannah's orphanage and we visited our kids together. He was only one year old when they met him so he is 2 now. The first thing Hannah told their little guy--"I didn't get a daddy--just my mommy". Too funny. I was told that Hannah was a little caregiver at her orphanage and it was funny to watch her take that role back with Drew. She held his hand in the hallway of the hotel and led him around showing him where to go, etc. She acted like a little mommy herself. The party was pretty cool. They had sections for each country they work with and had information there along with free crafts at each country for the kids to do. They had ethnic food served and free drinks for everyone and a main stage that showcased entertainment from all the different countries. They also had three bouncy houses there so there was always something fun to do. It was so fun to see so many people affected by adoption in one place. After the party we got to go to the Wilkin's hotel with them and have fun swimming. All in all, a great day.

My boss's father passed away this past week and I went to the visitation on Saturday. I took Hannah with and two of my co-workers rode with us. On the way there Hannah was telling them that she liked to dance with Mommy. My coworkers started laughing and joking--"how does Mommy dance?" "Is she funny" "I would like to see that" and all of a sudden Hannah spoke up quite loudly saying "Stop laughing at my Mommy--she is not silly--she is my Mommy and I like her". My little sweetheart--it melted my heart to hear her defending my honor and secretly I was very happy. I did try to explain joking to her and let her know that my friends were not making fun of me. Then she seemed okay with it.

She turns 5 in just three short weeks and she is getting pretty excited about it. She keeps asking me "Is my birthday ready yet?" I have planned a party at a local Nature Center. The kids will get to touch frogs, turtles, etc. We invited her whole class--20 kids and about 5 other kids. Should be a fun time. She is just growing and maturing so much--I miss my little girl but am so enjoying the girl she is growing into.

We have seen mothers with babies all over the place lately--at church, at school, and at other birthday parties. She is obsessed and has no shyness to walk up to mother's with babies and ask to touch them. It is hard for me to drag her away. Fortunately all the mom's have been very gracious and kind to her. We were at a birthday party where one mom was breast feeding and Hannah had her face right up there asking all kinds of questions. That night, Hannah said, "Mom, I want to be a baby and drink milk from your tummy" so we had to have that talk. If I was younger and richer, I would think about getting a baby for our family but it is just not in the cards.

She has also been telling me she wants a daddy lately too. The other night after saying she wanted a daddy, she announced "I want a new mommy and daddy". My immediate reaction was to joke with her so I tickled her and said "What--you don't want me for your mommy?" and she very seriously said "Okay--I'll take you but I want a daddy".

This single parenting is hard work some times. All though I am still loving every minute of it--in fact it just keeps getting better. Every morning I look at her sleeping and am amazed at how blessed I am.

Adoption talk

We have been more mention of adoption around here lately.
It has never been unspoken. Ever since day one we have been thanking God "for helping Mama go all the way to Russia to find Hannah and bring her home".
Hannah has often talked about being a baby in Russia and about flying home from Russia. She is proud to tell everyone that she is from Russia.

Last night we had the first "mommy" talk and I think it went well. You get to hear it because I want to document it somewhere.
It went like this:
H--One day I was a baby in your tummy?
M--No, you were never in my tummy. There was another Mommy that had you in her tummy.
H--When I was in Russia?
M--Yes honey, in Russia.
H--And you weren't there?
M--No, honey I was not there.
H--Why?
M--Because I was still looking for you. I looked and looked.
H--And then you found me in Russia and brought me home?
M--Yes Honey I did
H--And you are my Mommy.
M--Yes, I am your Mommy forever
Then we snuggled--both happy with our conversaton.

Big Milestone

Hannah has a book she has asked me to read a few times lately about a dog that has lost a tooth and then gets a bone from the tooth fairy.
As we were driving to preschool this morning Hannah tells me "I am going to lose a tooth" and I said "Yes, when you grow bigger you will start to lose your teeth." She seemed content with that answer and just said, "Yes, I am growing bigger now".
I thought it was just a conversation.
We got to school and one of her friends met us at the door to show us her loose tooth. All the kids crowded around her and wanted to wiggle her tooth, Hannah included. Then Hannah starts to tell the kids she has a loose tooth too. I think that she is just noticing all the attention her friend is getting and wants to get in on the action. I start to tell her "No, your tooth is not loose" but she is so insistant for me to look that I finally do and she does have a loose tooth! I was actually shocked and reacted in a way fitting to the big occassion it was. It is on the bottom--the right one of her middle two. She was thrilled and immediately wanted her friends to see it and to show her teacher. She was now the center of attention and didn't even notice when I left.
When I picked her up the teacher let me know that she hopes the tooth falls out soon because Hannah has been obsessed with it all day--going to the mirror to look at it and showing it to everyone that comes into the room which includes every other parent.
I know this seems like a long post for just a loose tooth but it is huge to me (and to Hannah). It is the first big milestone that tells me Hannah is growing up. I missed so many other firsts--first steps, first time using the potty, first words, etc. I am very excited for each step in her life but there is a little piece of me that is saying "I have only had her for one year--I want her to stay little for a while yet".
Guess I better brush up on what the tooth fairy is bringing these days.

Christmas, New Years, and other updates

I promised to fill you in on Christmas so finally I am getting it done.
I was sick the whole week leading up to Christmas so our preparations weren't quite what I had planned and my decorating barely got done but in the end it didn't matter--Hannah held nothing against me. When I got the tree up and turned on the lights Hannah looked in wonder and asked, "Mom, how did you do that?" She thought it was magic.
My first day of feeling half way good was Christmas eve so Hannah and I headed out that morning to finish our shopping and then had lunch out together. She is not a shopper but did wonderful that day and she is becoming my favorite eating out partner always making it fun.
We went to church that evening and she made it through that well also. I just love the Christmas eve service. I took Hannah to the early service because I thought the midnight mass just wouldn't work. However they save all the really great music and special stuff for midnight so I missed out on that but having Hannah with me for her first Christmas made it more special than any other Christmas for me.
Making a special dinner for a four year old was something new for me too but I think I succeeded with ravioli, garlic bread, veggies, and ice-cream. Hannah and I enjoyed it.
Christmas eve she got to open her presents from me. She was so precious as she opened her box and exclaimed, "shirts and pants--PERFECT!!!!!" She also opened the ones she got in the mail from Uncle Dan and Aunt Kristin. After opening them she danced around the living room singing "Thank you Thank you Thank you Dan and Kristin" and then made kissing noised into the air. I should have had the video camera out. Of course we put out cookies and milk in the kitchen and reindeer food outside. And she went to bed great. I swear I got the best kid ever.
Christmas morning when she woke up I said "Hannah I think Santa came". She still didn't equate it with presents but just wanted to know which window she could look out of to see him. She soon however discovered the presents and was very excited. She got a Loving Family and dollhouse with dogs and a van. Also got a Barbie with a pony and some lego. She was excited with everything she opened and very appreciative. What a sweetie. It was basically all over by 8:30am and we just played the rest of the morning. We had a quiet day and just spent it together.
Sunday after Christmas we went to my sisters in Wisconsin and Hannah got cross country skis and went out for her second time--It was so fun to watch her as she had smiles and giggles the whole time--even when falling. I guess my Siberian born beauty was made for those cold weather sports.
Our family Christmas was New Years weekend at my sister's house. We had another great weekend. Of course presents were a big hit but the main thing for Hannah was the time she spent with her cousins. She absolutely loves that and made connections with each one--even my nieces boyfriend who was a great sport. It is so fun to see her with my family. One of my worries is that she will be alone if something happens to me but she has already made her own connections with my family and talks about them all the time--she has a big family that loves her. I am also happy that at the end of the day she always wants me at bedtime and is happy to be going to her own home again.
I have to say thanks to my sister for a great weekend at her house.

The rest of our winter had been pretty normal.
Hannah has developed quite a social life. Between my friends and her friends in daycare she had five birthday party invites in January so we have been going to fun places all over town--Chuck E. Cheese, Godfather's pizza, House of Bounce,and Jets gymnastics. One party was actually at the kids house which is unusual these days. I am already feeling the pressure for what I will do in April.
The cold weather lately has kept up indoors more than we like but swimming helps break that up. Today was 9 above zero and sunny so I did take Hannah out cross country skiing for a bit. She did great. It was a bit comical as I am not a skiier so when she would fall down the best advice I could give her was "Get back up". the only other thing I knew to say was "don't cross your skiis." At least we got out and had a few laughs.

It's a wonderful life

One year ago today I was sitting in a court room in Russia and was nervous as all get out because my future life depended on what the judge would say. She finally said "Yes--I grant your petition and you are now the girl's mother". I remember that moment as if it was yesterday. My knees went weak and I had to sit down as soon as I walked out of the courtroom. It was so amazing. Then 11 days later, the orphanage director brought Hannah to my hotel, handed her to me, and we have not spent a night apart since.
When I look at Hannah every day I am amazed that she is really my daughter. How can I be so blessed? What would my life be without her? As I look back on our last year I know there were some difficult times and some were very recent but quite frankly I can't remember the details of them. I just remember how much better my life has been, how much fuller, and how much more enjoyable.
To celebrate our day, I left work at noon and picked Hannah up from daycare. We went to "Yogi Bear"in 3D, then went swimming at a little waterpark for a couple hours, and then out to eat--complete with ice cream. Hannah probably thought I was crazy because I kept telling her it was our special day--just Mama and Hannah--and I was pretty mushy sometimes but she did great. She told me "That was really fun" and about three diffent times she would hold my face in her hands and say "You are my Mommy" and then give me a kiss--she was so sweet.
At night she usually picks out some books for me to read but tonight I picked the books and read three adoption related story books to her and she fell asleep on my lap as soon as we were done.
A perfect ending to a perfect year.
I love you my Hannah!

Christmas is coming!!

Wow--two months since I last posted. There is so much to say and yet life seems to go on as normal--which is a good thing. Sorry no pictures--my computer freezes up as soon as I put my camera card into it and I know nothing about why it's happening or how to fix it. I have to wait for some one smarter than me.
Hannah has been enjoying swimming lessons and passed the first two preschool levels quite easily and will start level three (eel) in Jan. She just loves to be in the water but during lessons she does have trouble sitting still and listening when the teacher is helping the other kids--she just wants to swim all the time.
Sitting still is a problem for my little girl--it is the only thing she gets in trouble for at school and almost everyone that meets her comments on her energy level and her curiosity. I must be used to it because to me she seems like a normal 4 year old kid and I think her behavior is pretty good most of the time. Oh well--we will keep working on it.
She really enjoys her church school and I am very happy for that. It is one hour of instruction with mostly hands on learning but the kids are required to be quiet, calm, and respectful the whole hour. She does very well and just can't wait to go back so I know she likes it. Those teachers have never complained about her energy level but they seem to be the most calm people I have ever met. I think it's good for her. It is also nice for me because it is an hour of total quiet for me. It is not worth it to go back home so I take a book and sit in the church library and read for a whole hour--it is heaven.
Her first school pictures were taken in Nov and they turned out great. She has two "best" friends in school and the mother of one of the other girls arranged for them to have a friends picture of the three of them. It is so cute and will be a great keepsake to have of Hannah's first friends.
We got to see a couple great Christmas shows--Mickey's Rockin Road Show in Nov. and then we saw the Moscow ballet perform The Great Russian Nutcracker in Dec. While they are on opposite ends of the culture spectrum, we truly enjoyed both. At Mickey's show, Hannah wore jeans and a Cat in the Hat shirt, we met up with two other little friends, and the whole place was jamming the whole time with kids jumping, clapping, dancing, and singing along most of the time. She had fun.
At the ballet we both dressed up and she sat very quietly and was enthralled the whole time--that is until the very end when she quietly crawled up in my lap and fell asleep. It was about an hour past her bedtime at that point. We both enjoyed that as well and she twirled around the house in ballerina mode for days afterwards.
Thanksgiving was a big celebration for our family this year and Hannah got to meet five members of my immediate family that she hadn't met yet. 31 of us were together for two whole days and it was so fun. We had a big prime rib dinner the first day and then the traditional turkey dinner the next day. Both were so delicious.
Hannah ran with her cousins the whole time and I only saw her when she needed something or got very tired--then she would come to Mom. It was so fun for me to see her having that much fun and it was reassuring to see that she wanted me when she needed anything. It was cold and snowy the whole time and my brother's road was sheer ice so our traveling was a bit hairy but everyone made it and we had a blast.
Now my youngest brother Dan and his wife Kristin are the only ones that Hannah hasn't met in person yet. They plan to be coming through Minnesota in the spring when they move from California to Connecticut and we can't wait to see them.
My court date in Russia was in January last year and we just had our one year post placement visit. It went very well and once again Hannah charmed the socks off the social worker. She was very shy which is not like her but she seems to know when we are at visits that concern her and she gets more wary. It is nice to have that done but it hardly seems like a year is almost here.
Hannah had her early childhood screening this month and she tested "okay" for her age. That was good to hear but the screener went ahead and put through a referral for an IEP anyway because of her history. I am very glad and I hope that she qualifies for some help because I want her to have the best start possible before school. She won't get the evaluation until Jan. so we will see.
Looking at the whole school thing has been stressful for me--who knew I had so many options and that I would be touring kindergartens the way other people tour colleges. Where I grew up there was only one school and everyone went there so that was it but not so here. I am touring one of the public "choice" schools in town that teaches based on the core knowledge principles, her neighborhood school, and two of the private options in town. So many things to think about. Like --both private schools have full day kindergarten which I think is good and certainly fits my working schedule better. The public schools here only have half day kindergarten so more daycare would be needed. If she needs any of the free help the state offers she would only get it in the public school system--it is not available to the private schools. And of course, cost is a factor too. I am also keeping an open mind to holding her back a year if her testing shows she is not quite ready. I would like her to be with the same age kids but I also want her to have a good start in school. So much to think about. The private schools and the choice school have enrollment deadlines in January so I guess I will be figuring this out fairly soon.
She is growing and learning all the time and I see changes from month to month so I still think it is feasible she will be ready by Sept. One example that struck me was Yesterday she asked me if she could watch a movie. I said "How about if we paint instead, I got new paints." A couple months ago she would have just whined "No--a movie please" but yesterday she said very calmly, "I do like to paint but I really want to watch a movie now, please". I couldn't resist so she got a movie against my better judgement.
Getting ready for Christmas has been pretty fun. She loves our Christmas tree. I put up the tree and strung the lights at night after she had gone to bed. In the morning I showed her and when I turned on the lights she gasped and said, "Mom--you made that?" She was quite impressed by me at that moment. She really got into the decorating and helped me for a good 45 minutes. She was very good at hanging the ornaments and talking about each one as we hung it. At one point it seems to bother her a little when she figured out I had most of the ornaments before I had her. So I was really glad that I had bought a couple new ones that were just for her. After decorating it she wanted to call Grandma. While she talking on the phone to Grandma I hear her say, "Can you see this one?" and then she goes to the tree and holds the phone up to an ornament. So funny. She is getting the Santa thing and seems excited he will bring presents --she wants a pony and a barbie. I took her to the Mall to see Santa and she wouldn't go close. I was not going to force her so we just left. She said to me, "Mom--I want to like him. When I get bigger I will like him".
We do read the Christmas story also and she plays with the nativity and talks about Baby Jesus so we are learning the reason for Christmas also.
I think Hannah and I will have Christmas eve and Christmas morning together--just the two of us and I am looking forward to that. Our big family Christmas will be on New Year's Day.
So..Happy Holidays to you all. I will be back next year to post about our first Christmas together.

Love at first sight

One year ago today I walked into an orphanage half way around the world in Siberia and met the most beautiful little 3 year old girl. My life was changed for the better that day.

Quote from my journal entry that night--
"I have met my daughter and she is perfect--my heart is full."

I have no better words to describe how I feel than "my heart is still full". I love you Hannah Raisa McNab and always will.