Adoption is so full of emotions and I usually try to hold onto the good ones but they seem to get all mixed up with the not so good.
Maybe because I have been sick for the last week, I am a little more emotional than usual but this whole wait and everything else associated with adoption is hitting me so hard lately.
I recieved an unexpected donation to my adoption funds that was really generous and meant a great deal to me--I was so happy and touched the day it arrived.
But then...I had applied for a grant--the only one I found that allowed single women to apply. I was so happy when I found it because I really need some more funds and up until then my search for grants only found ones for couples. This week I found out they were overwhelmed with applications and could not grant mine but they wished me well. I totally understand as they are foundation that is run by donation only and they have limited funds but yet I was crushed--I don't know anywhere else to apply.
I learned from my agency that they received one referral from my region this month. While that is good to hear they also said they don't know when to expect more--my heart fell when I heard that. I also know I am not the only one waiting there. So--what does that mean for my wait--no one knows.
One of my friends recieved a referral from Russia just today. The child is beautiful and healthy and is absolutely perfect for their family. I am so thrilled for them. I don't want to take anything away from their happiness and wonderful news.
But yet..it is hard not to feel sorry for myself. Through my Kazakhstan experience I saw many families move through the process faster than me only to find out that I could no longer be in the program. Now in the Russia process I am also seeing many families moving faster than me. It is so hard. I don't know why--am I doing something wrong?, did I choose the wrong agency for me? do they not think I will be a good mother? Do they not realize I can't wait forever?? It really seems so random and it truly tests my strength some days. My biggest fear was that I started too late and my child would have an older mother and these long waits just keep increasing that. Will the day come that I have to give up because I had to wait too long and got too old or too broke or the laws change or whatever else can happen. How can I know the answers? What is the right way to feel? What can I do but wait (and cry)? And pray.
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7 comments:
Oh Mary, I know exactly how you feel. It is so hard to be happy for others when you want so bad what they have. I know and I understand. While I know you are thrilled for us, I also now that it stings. I was there a month or two ago when EVERYONE I "know" got a referral, then a court date, then brought their child home. I know.
Mary, I also know that this WILL happen for you. There is no answer that makes you feel better but just know that I pray for you and the adoption every night and so hope God presents you with your child soon.
Russia really is a crap shoot these days and it is hard. Very hard. But you know that our perfect child was presented to us, perfect for our family in every way, and yours will too! I know it!
Lots of love!
Kim
Hugs Mary. Your little girl will join you -- it will happen. I just know that. Hang in there.
Big hugs Mary!! Let me know if you want to get together and talk.
I'm sorry you're feeling discouraged. I agree 100% with Kim... this WILL happen for you! Hang in there and keep yourself busy. It will happen when you least expect it. It always does. Kumi sends a big kiss your way.
I am sorry you're feeling discouraged.
Thinking of you,
Jenny
Oh Mary, I feel your pain! Adoption is such a roller coaster of emotions! You are not alone - if it helps any? Probably not! But know that I am thinking of you!
I think of you often. I feel so badly that things turned out for you and that somehow we "got out and in again" at the right time - our dossier made it through the embassy in one day - on the last day that it happened.
I feel for everyone who got their dossier in 24 hours later than ours, and especially for all the CHI clients who got stuck in the system, and worse - out of the system.
I know how impatient we were - waiting 8 months before we pulled our dossier and started over again, and cannot imagine what it must be like for all those moms and you who waited longer to find out they couldnt wait at all....
You will be a great mother. Don't doubt yourself. It will happen. I figured the other day that our children went on the adoption registry the week we submitted our dossier.
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